Tag: C-PTSD

To the One Who I Kept Letting Back In

SamLeave a comment

Dear M,

I’ve reached a point in my healing journey where I have been forced to confront some ugly truths about myself and my behavior. The biggest realization that I’ve come to is that I have to reclaim some of my power that I’ve lost over the years through relationships with toxic people. You and I have a very toxic relationship which I’ve tried to ignore for far too long and allowed you to claim way too much power over me because of it.

You and I are not good for one another. I keep hoping that you’re going to change and become the person that I believe you to be and that’s simply not something you are capable of doing. I have tried to help you and that’s been to my own detriment. You are the person that you are and not likely to change and that is simply someone who is not a good person for me to have in my life. I have allowed you to claim too much power over me in the interest of keeping you in my life for selfish reasons. I became so accustomed to chaos in my life during my childhood that I sought out people and relationships which emulated that chaos and validated my experience that shaped my paradigm of how the world exists. But I’ve discovered that I have to relearn how to have relationships that are not chaotic and toxic and strive to validate a new paradigm that there is good in the world and that people can be healthy for me. I can’t do that if you are still on the periphery for me to come to when I need to seek out a chaotic and toxic experience.

I forgive you for the hurt and pain that you’ve inflicted on me over the years. I need to be able to move forward in my life and I can’t do that if I’m still clinging to the pain and trauma I experienced at your hands. My forgiveness doesn’t mean that I’m absolving you of any responsibility for the pain but I’m reclaiming my power and releasing the anger that I’ve held on to for far too long. It would be easy for me to remain angry with you for everything that you’ve done but that doesn’t help me and I need to heal from my experiences if I’m going to be able to move forward.

I’m at peace with how we’re ending things now. I’m going to move forward and build the life that I know I deserve without the specter of you hanging over my head. I hope you know now that words are powerful and are more careful and considerate in what you choose to say to those around you. I wish you to know that your anger has an impact on those around you and when you choose to become violent other people suffer. But most of all I hope you are able to live a life that you can be proud of and that you are able to find fulfillment. I forgive you for the things that you said and did in the past and while I have no desire to have any sort of friendship with you just know that I wish you light and love in your life.

Best,

S

The Tools That Have Helped Me Along The Way

SamLeave a comment

In every journey, we find tips, tricks, and tools that can help us move along the path we’re taking more effectively. Healing from complex trauma is no different. I’m not a therapist, psychiatrist, or in any way capable of providing you with advice on how you can move along the path most effectively – I’m merely someone who has walked the path and found tools that helped me along the way.

Books

I’ve always been a vivacious reader, books provided me with an escape from the situations I was living through and gave me a way to process what I was feeling. I started reading “Self-Help” books when I was a teenager, living in the chaos I was living in I didn’t have someone I could talk to about how I was feeling or what I was thinking, and found books gave me insight into how I could process those thoughts and feelings. Even now, I’ve found several books that I recommend to anyone working through complex trauma because they are able to provide that insight and have allowed me to process.

Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach To Regaining Emotional Control And Becoming Whole

This book has been the one my therapist and I use the most, it provides a hybrid approach to “self-help” because it’s written as a workbook so it contains areas for you to journal and process everything that you’ve read.

A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD: Compassionate Strategies to Begin Healing from Childhood Trauma

Written by the same author as above this book is a helpful reference book and companion to the workbook I already mentioned. It’s available as an EBook which makes it handy for me to have it downloaded and available on my phone when I need to reference it quickly.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Dr Van Der Kolk wrote the first book I read on trauma and helped me understand that a lot of the physical symptoms I was experiencing were tied to the trauma I’d survived. His work has been referenced by countless other professionals and is considered to be one of the foremost works on post traumatic stress.

What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

I personally enjoyed listening to this as an audiobook and hearing the conversation between Oprah and Dr. Perry more than reading the book itself. My therapist enjoyed reading it more than listening so I think it might depend on your own preference. It’s a powerful conversation between two experts on trauma and reinforces that it’s not about “what’s wrong with you” but rather “what happened to you”.

Apps

The app stores are filled with “self-help” apps and it can be hard to navigate and wade through to find the ones that are actually worth the download and even more so the ones that are worth paying for the premium content.

Headspace

I use this app when I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to meditate. Part of my healing has focused on bringing my attention to the “now” instead of the “then” and grounding myself in the present moment. Available as a monthly or annual subscription I have found this one to be worth the cost.

Calm

This is the first app that my therapist recommended to me, I personally don’t find it worth the cost of an annual subscription but I do know others who have found it helpful and use it regularly. I prefer Headspace for my meditation.

Rootd

I use this as my “emergency” panic attack app, when meditation and grounding techniques have failed and I am in full panic mode I have found this app useful and helpful in bringing me back on solid ground. It has a red button known as Rootr that with one press will ask if you want to face the panic head on or if you want them to contact a trusted friend to help you through it.

These are just a few of the tools I’ve found to help me along in my journey to feeling empowered and reclaiming the life that I want to have. I encourage you to work with a qualified mental health professional to find other techniques that might work for you.

To The Man Who Hurt Me After 17 Years Apart

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Note: This letter, in part, was sent to the individual. I have removed some parts and rewritten others in an attempt to protect their anonymity

Dear N,

I’ve started this letter half a dozen times and I don’t know if I am going to get everything out, get it right or get through it at all. My therapist encourages me to write letters to people as part of my healing journey, people who I’ve wronged, people who have wronged me, people who have played a part in the tapestry of my life for better or worse. I thought you were going to make my life better, I thought you were going to be a light at the end of the dark tunnel I’ve created for myself. But, in the true fashion of my life that was not going to be reality but rather the dreams of a fanciful girl who loves to watch Casablanca hoping Rick gets on the plane with Ilsa in the end, who watches An Affair to Remember and wishes that Terry and Nickie will meet at the top of the Empire State building and the credits will roll on a beautiful kiss. But none of those things happen, Ilsa gets on the plane with Victor, Terry gets into a car accident and misses the reunion – and you and I were, whatever we were.

The fact is, I fell in love with you 17 years ago – I fell in love with the way you made me feel, the way you made me think, the way that you were when I was around you and I carried that love with me for 17 years hoping for some sort of magical reunion. Hoping, against all the odds, that you were out there thinking of me too. And a couple of months ago when I was admittedly feeling vulnerable and low, I reached out to you and I’m sorry for that. I’m not sorry for reaching out, I wanted to do it for a multitude of reasons, a multitude of times over the years. I’m sorry because I was inadvertently using you to validate that in some way to some person I was of value. I was looking for someone to tell me that I wasn’t a worthless bitch, cunt, piece of shit. And I used you for that validation and I shouldn’t have. You paid attention to me and told me everything that I wanted to hear.

I didn’t go to the restaurant that night intending to start a relationship with you, sitting next to you in the movie theater that night I wasn’t trying to think about where it could go from there. I don’t regret any part of that night, I don’t regret any part of the rest of the times we were able to sneak away together – wrapped up in your embrace I felt safe, I felt calmed, I felt all of the things I felt 17 years ago the first time you kissed me. I don’t remember exactly how it happened all those years ago; I remember a lot of things from that original relationship, but I don’t remember the first time you kissed me and now I won’t be able to remember the last time because I didn’t know it was going to be the last. It’s funny how that goes, you never think the last time is going to be the last. If you did, you’d be able to snap a photograph in your mind and carry it with you always. But instead I didn’t know it was going to be the last time I saw you, the last time I felt your embrace, the last time I’d be able to kiss you so I filed it away like an average, every day occurrence something that I’d be able to do for the rest of my life without thinking or worrying that it’d be the last time.

Did you know? When you kissed me that last time, did you know it’d be the last? Were you anticipating ending things with me and just didn’t know how to tell me? Were you lost in the sea of regret about starting something with me that you didn’t know how to get out of anymore? You called me the love of your life, were you lying? Were you telling me things you thought I wanted to hear, that I needed to hear? I want to trust you and believe you when you said I made you happier than you’ve been in a very long time, that when you told me you loved me you meant it. We were saying it so routinely that maybe I started to take it for granted that you felt that way. It became a reflex, we’d say it over and over again that maybe it lost all meaning for you and it became something you just said out of routine or habit.

I sent the “gift” you gave me back to you purely because I can’t have that constant reminder of you and what I thought I meant to you in my space. You gave it to me and told me you loved me and every time I looked at it I could hear you say those words all over again and it broke me. I couldn’t bear to throw it away either, it felt wasteful and I foolishly thought sending it back to you might leave you with a reminder of me and bring you some peace or joy when you think of me.

I know that my trauma and navigating my triggers and my moods is hard, it’s hard for me to navigate and I can’t imagine being on the outside looking in and knowing you want to help but can’t. I’d love to be able to pinpoint exactly what my triggers are so that I can articulate when they occur and help others navigate them with me but unfortunately, I can’t. The best I can do is acknowledge the hurt I cause when I’m triggered and try to make some sort of amends. Relationships are hard for me, trust is hard for me, trusting in relationships is something that I have to work on every day and while I’m getting better, I’m not there yet. I want you to know, I do trust you – that was never in doubt for me, it may have been for you. You may have felt like I wasn’t letting you in or something but that’s not what happened. If I didn’t trust you I wouldn’t have tried leaning in to you when I was feeling untethered like I was that last night, I wouldn’t have shown you the vulnerable parts of myself and let you see the parts that aren’t pretty.

Now, you’ve unfriended me, you’ve cut off all communication and I’m, once again as is my lot in life, left wondering what I did wrong. This is my last-ditch effort to get some things said that I think needed to be said. Please know that I want nothing but the best for you, I wish you could have known how happy you made me and, even for the briefest moment, I hope I made you happy too. I wish you light, love, and a fulfilling life that brings you peace, joy, and pride.

Always yours,

S