To the members of my “family” who chose to leave:

Family…The word family is one of the most loosely defined terms in the English language; because it means something different to everyone. Families are vastly different, but they all function under one single premise: shared love and commitment. It’s supposed to be a safe space for you to be who you are and where you are accepted. But you have chosen to walk away from me and no longer be my family.

I have spent many years in therapy trying to work through the pain and trauma I endured in my formative years. Part of my healing journey has involved writing letters to the people who played the biggest part in forming me in to the person I was, I’m not the same person anymore and removing you from my life has made a difference. It’s allowed me to find my true self, to be unapologetically myself.

I was never enough for you- never smart enough, pretty enough, polite enough, gentile enough or agreeable enough to be acceptable in your world. I was always the puzzle piece that never quite fit. And I’ve learned that is okay. I survived everything you did to me and somehow managed to thrive without you.

I spent so many holidays and family get-togethers sitting silently in the corner because none of you wanted to talk to me. I acknowledge that I was a challenge, my interests never aligned with yours. I was always more comfortable talking about books and politics then I ever was discussing sports or hunting.

The point of this letter is to let you know that I forgive you for all the pain you inflicted on me. I no longer hold out hope for reconciliation anymore. I’m no longer striving for connection with you. I realized that it’s a fool’s errand trying to connect with you when I started seeing births posted on social media and I didn’t know the person was even expecting. When I started having to search your names in Google to find out if there was an obituary posted. The wedding invitations I never received, or the reunions I was no longer invited to participate in and be a part of anymore. I quickly realized that you no longer wanted me to be a part of your life either.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean absolution. For over 30 years I lived with the painful memories of every interaction. You were supposed to be my family and instead you chose to abandon me whenever I needed you most. You cracked the foundation on which I built my whole self and I had to be the one to patch the cracks.

I’ve cultivated my own “family” made up of my husband, my friends, and the select few whom I do share DNA with who didn’t choose to leave. I’m not angry with you anymore. Anger is a futile feeling, anger would be too easy and would allow me to continue to see myself as the victim of your behavior instead of reclaiming my power and growing in to the person I’m supposed to be now.

We no longer need to be in each other’s lives and I am no longer interested in providing you access to me and my life. I forgive you only so I can release the pain I’ve been carrying for far too long.

Be well and I hope you treat your chosen “family” better than you ever treated me.

-S