Tag: trauma

The Tools That Have Helped Me Along The Way

SamLeave a comment

In every journey, we find tips, tricks, and tools that can help us move along the path we’re taking more effectively. Healing from complex trauma is no different. I’m not a therapist, psychiatrist, or in any way capable of providing you with advice on how you can move along the path most effectively – I’m merely someone who has walked the path and found tools that helped me along the way.

Books

I’ve always been a vivacious reader, books provided me with an escape from the situations I was living through and gave me a way to process what I was feeling. I started reading “Self-Help” books when I was a teenager, living in the chaos I was living in I didn’t have someone I could talk to about how I was feeling or what I was thinking, and found books gave me insight into how I could process those thoughts and feelings. Even now, I’ve found several books that I recommend to anyone working through complex trauma because they are able to provide that insight and have allowed me to process.

Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach To Regaining Emotional Control And Becoming Whole

This book has been the one my therapist and I use the most, it provides a hybrid approach to “self-help” because it’s written as a workbook so it contains areas for you to journal and process everything that you’ve read.

A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD: Compassionate Strategies to Begin Healing from Childhood Trauma

Written by the same author as above this book is a helpful reference book and companion to the workbook I already mentioned. It’s available as an EBook which makes it handy for me to have it downloaded and available on my phone when I need to reference it quickly.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Dr Van Der Kolk wrote the first book I read on trauma and helped me understand that a lot of the physical symptoms I was experiencing were tied to the trauma I’d survived. His work has been referenced by countless other professionals and is considered to be one of the foremost works on post traumatic stress.

What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing

I personally enjoyed listening to this as an audiobook and hearing the conversation between Oprah and Dr. Perry more than reading the book itself. My therapist enjoyed reading it more than listening so I think it might depend on your own preference. It’s a powerful conversation between two experts on trauma and reinforces that it’s not about “what’s wrong with you” but rather “what happened to you”.

Apps

The app stores are filled with “self-help” apps and it can be hard to navigate and wade through to find the ones that are actually worth the download and even more so the ones that are worth paying for the premium content.

Headspace

I use this app when I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to meditate. Part of my healing has focused on bringing my attention to the “now” instead of the “then” and grounding myself in the present moment. Available as a monthly or annual subscription I have found this one to be worth the cost.

Calm

This is the first app that my therapist recommended to me, I personally don’t find it worth the cost of an annual subscription but I do know others who have found it helpful and use it regularly. I prefer Headspace for my meditation.

Rootd

I use this as my “emergency” panic attack app, when meditation and grounding techniques have failed and I am in full panic mode I have found this app useful and helpful in bringing me back on solid ground. It has a red button known as Rootr that with one press will ask if you want to face the panic head on or if you want them to contact a trusted friend to help you through it.

These are just a few of the tools I’ve found to help me along in my journey to feeling empowered and reclaiming the life that I want to have. I encourage you to work with a qualified mental health professional to find other techniques that might work for you.

To The Man Who Hurt Me After 17 Years Apart

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Note: This letter, in part, was sent to the individual. I have removed some parts and rewritten others in an attempt to protect their anonymity

Dear N,

I’ve started this letter half a dozen times and I don’t know if I am going to get everything out, get it right or get through it at all. My therapist encourages me to write letters to people as part of my healing journey, people who I’ve wronged, people who have wronged me, people who have played a part in the tapestry of my life for better or worse. I thought you were going to make my life better, I thought you were going to be a light at the end of the dark tunnel I’ve created for myself. But, in the true fashion of my life that was not going to be reality but rather the dreams of a fanciful girl who loves to watch Casablanca hoping Rick gets on the plane with Ilsa in the end, who watches An Affair to Remember and wishes that Terry and Nickie will meet at the top of the Empire State building and the credits will roll on a beautiful kiss. But none of those things happen, Ilsa gets on the plane with Victor, Terry gets into a car accident and misses the reunion – and you and I were, whatever we were.

The fact is, I fell in love with you 17 years ago – I fell in love with the way you made me feel, the way you made me think, the way that you were when I was around you and I carried that love with me for 17 years hoping for some sort of magical reunion. Hoping, against all the odds, that you were out there thinking of me too. And a couple of months ago when I was admittedly feeling vulnerable and low, I reached out to you and I’m sorry for that. I’m not sorry for reaching out, I wanted to do it for a multitude of reasons, a multitude of times over the years. I’m sorry because I was inadvertently using you to validate that in some way to some person I was of value. I was looking for someone to tell me that I wasn’t a worthless bitch, cunt, piece of shit. And I used you for that validation and I shouldn’t have. You paid attention to me and told me everything that I wanted to hear.

I didn’t go to the restaurant that night intending to start a relationship with you, sitting next to you in the movie theater that night I wasn’t trying to think about where it could go from there. I don’t regret any part of that night, I don’t regret any part of the rest of the times we were able to sneak away together – wrapped up in your embrace I felt safe, I felt calmed, I felt all of the things I felt 17 years ago the first time you kissed me. I don’t remember exactly how it happened all those years ago; I remember a lot of things from that original relationship, but I don’t remember the first time you kissed me and now I won’t be able to remember the last time because I didn’t know it was going to be the last. It’s funny how that goes, you never think the last time is going to be the last. If you did, you’d be able to snap a photograph in your mind and carry it with you always. But instead I didn’t know it was going to be the last time I saw you, the last time I felt your embrace, the last time I’d be able to kiss you so I filed it away like an average, every day occurrence something that I’d be able to do for the rest of my life without thinking or worrying that it’d be the last time.

Did you know? When you kissed me that last time, did you know it’d be the last? Were you anticipating ending things with me and just didn’t know how to tell me? Were you lost in the sea of regret about starting something with me that you didn’t know how to get out of anymore? You called me the love of your life, were you lying? Were you telling me things you thought I wanted to hear, that I needed to hear? I want to trust you and believe you when you said I made you happier than you’ve been in a very long time, that when you told me you loved me you meant it. We were saying it so routinely that maybe I started to take it for granted that you felt that way. It became a reflex, we’d say it over and over again that maybe it lost all meaning for you and it became something you just said out of routine or habit.

I sent the “gift” you gave me back to you purely because I can’t have that constant reminder of you and what I thought I meant to you in my space. You gave it to me and told me you loved me and every time I looked at it I could hear you say those words all over again and it broke me. I couldn’t bear to throw it away either, it felt wasteful and I foolishly thought sending it back to you might leave you with a reminder of me and bring you some peace or joy when you think of me.

I know that my trauma and navigating my triggers and my moods is hard, it’s hard for me to navigate and I can’t imagine being on the outside looking in and knowing you want to help but can’t. I’d love to be able to pinpoint exactly what my triggers are so that I can articulate when they occur and help others navigate them with me but unfortunately, I can’t. The best I can do is acknowledge the hurt I cause when I’m triggered and try to make some sort of amends. Relationships are hard for me, trust is hard for me, trusting in relationships is something that I have to work on every day and while I’m getting better, I’m not there yet. I want you to know, I do trust you – that was never in doubt for me, it may have been for you. You may have felt like I wasn’t letting you in or something but that’s not what happened. If I didn’t trust you I wouldn’t have tried leaning in to you when I was feeling untethered like I was that last night, I wouldn’t have shown you the vulnerable parts of myself and let you see the parts that aren’t pretty.

Now, you’ve unfriended me, you’ve cut off all communication and I’m, once again as is my lot in life, left wondering what I did wrong. This is my last-ditch effort to get some things said that I think needed to be said. Please know that I want nothing but the best for you, I wish you could have known how happy you made me and, even for the briefest moment, I hope I made you happy too. I wish you light, love, and a fulfilling life that brings you peace, joy, and pride.

Always yours,

S

To the Boy Who Made Me Feel Powerless First…

SamLeave a comment

Note: These letters will have any personally identifiable information removed not to protect my abusers but to allow you to see yourself within the words. I want these to serve as a jumping off point for others and the best way I know to do that is if you are able to envision yourself saying these words to those who hurt you.

Dear K,


I realize it’s been over 15 years since we’ve seen or spoken to one another but as I work through healing from things that have happened in the past I’ve been reaching out to those individuals who had a major impact on my life all those years ago.


I want you to know that I forgive you for the things that you said and did. When I moved to that tiny town 25 years ago I was coming into it with my own heavy baggage and I can acknowledge that I may have made it challenging for others to get to know me. Objectively, you and I should have been friends
all those years ago. We were in the same class, went to the same church, and your family was friends with my extended family yet you chose instead to bully me and make me feel small, powerless, and insignificant like I had no friends in the world and somehow deserved every mean word and action hurled my way.
This forgiveness I’m offering you is not me excusing your behavior in the slightest. What this forgiveness does is release me from the pain I’ve been carrying for 25 years. The things you said and did to me for the 10 years we were in each other’s orbit may not have seemed significant to you and you may not have thought about them in the years since but they altered the course of my life in many ways and while I can now see that you may have had your own struggles and thought that bullying and harassing me somehow made you more powerful and released some of your own pain. Your life may not have been the sunshine and roses that you wanted to portray, based on your family’s behavior towards me – a virtual stranger – I can only imagine how they were to those they considered family. I hope you find healing from any pain and trauma you may have experienced at their hands and that you are able to find a better path forward.

I know from family who still live in town that you’re married now with a child of your own and my hope is that you can do better for them than your family did for you. I hope that your wife has never lived through the pain of having someone tell them to “not bother coming to school on Monday” and encouraging them to “kill yourself this weekend”. I hope that your son never knows the struggles of not having a safe space to express himself and that he never knows the sadness of having to be followed home from school listening to the taunts of those people who should have been his friend. I hope you know peace and safety, that you are in a place in your life where words are no longer your weapon.

As for me, I have peace now – I removed myself from the toxic environment of that small town 15 years ago and choose not to look backward. You may have heard that I’m married now, which is true – my husband and I got married over a decade ago and I’m living a life that I can be proud of working in a career that I am passionate about and allows me to help those who need me the most. I choose to have a very small circle of friends who show me the friendship I should have known all those years ago. I hope you know now that words are powerful and are more careful and considerate in what you choose to say to those around you. I hope you are able to live a life that you can be proud of and that you are able to find fulfillment. I forgive you for the things that you said and did all those years ago and while I have no desire to have any sort of friendship with you just know that I wish you light and love in
your life.


All the best,
S